LAMAR BUBBLEGUM WAS NEVER BORN

February 9th, 2025

Everything was on this game, the president, his relationship, hell his career. Patrick Mahomes sweat through the uniform, his head thrummed in stress with the pressure mounting and mounting. He’s in the middle of the field, running, the plan still fresh in his mind. By christ he sees an opening, he takes it, passing it 3 yards away. He’s going slower now watching as the scene unfolds, he’s now at a slow jog tracing his eyes on… zero? Who the hell is zero? 

But before the thought can take form he witnesses a miracle, one of many from this player. Weighing 300 lbs of pure muscle he leaps, flying through the air above everyone landing in a perfect roll in front of the eagle’s end zone throwing the ball unto the wet manicured grass below. There is silence in the stadium, nearly 65 thousand people stunned into silence. A single fan begins weeping profusely. The crowd explodes into cheers, the sound pains Mahone's ears, a piercing wail of thousands of souls screaming as one.

MYSTERIOUS PLAYER WINS SUPERBOWL

Last night audiences were shocked at the dramatic and electrifying performance on the part of the Kansas City Chiefs at Super Bowl LIX. 

Their win last night, and the source of this electricity was not the star player Patrick Mahomes, but a mysterious dark horse player who appeared in the second half. 

Through an olympian long jump, expert acrobatics and seemingly impossible stunt work, this mysterious player won what was a clear cut loss for the chiefs into an obvious win. 

Not much is known about the mysterious Player Zero, as he’s being toted online via X (formerly Twitter). 

The NFL in a ruling yesterday allowed the win to be made since he technically was a member of the KC chiefs, with his name listed as Lamar Bubblegum. Mr. Bubblegum quickly disappeared after the game concluded in the miraculous chief’s victory.

MYSTERIOUS PLAYER STRIKES AGAIN, WINS WORLD SERIES

Last night audiences were flabbergasted with the reappearance of the mysterious and enigmatic Lamar Bubblegum for a second time. To the bewilderment of the Dodgers, their fans, and the entire MLB, lamar bubblegum who shocked the world with his miraculous streak of wins, does it again. 

In a record breaking streak, when all hope was lost for the Dodgers, Lamar Bubble gum takes up bat. 

He hits home runs, everytime in an almost ceremonial repetition. 

In an almost comical display the Yankees suffered an unprecedented defeat. When the teams switched over, again Lamar Bubblegum was called up to pitch, he strikes out the batter every time, again with that perfect repetition.

The crowd went wild, cacophonous cheering from the crowd, and the gradual degradation of the Yankees called the game almost 20 minutes in simply because of Mr. Bubblegum’s appearance. Just like with his appearance at the Superbowl, as soon as the game’s over, he’s gone. 

This time, the NFL rules the game forfeit due to his unceremonious appearance.

LAMAR BUBBLEGUM SPOOKS MANFRED INTO WORLD SERIES WIN

Deep into last night the commissioner of the MLB (Robert Dean Manfred Jr.) was awoken from his bed by the sudden appearance of the enigmatic sports player, Lamar Bubblegum in his bedroom late last night. Manfred in both police testimonies and in a press conference in the early morning speaks.

“ We’ve made a grave mistake. 

Late last night I bore witness to something supernatural, while sleeping in my own bed I was confronted by the mystery player who invaded the world series 2 days ago. Dressed in his dodger’s uniform and holding a bat he told me I needed to correct my mistake, or suffer retribution that would dissolve meaning from context. 

His eyes bright white, lighting up my bedroom, a loud horn emerging from all around me, my wife gone, and in pitch black darkness except for him. 

He then left from the bedroom door, I would have thought it was a terrible nightmare, except for this.”

[Mr. Manfred proceeds to play a clip recorded from a ring doorbell camera of Mr.Bubblegum exiting Mr.Manfred’s front door and entering a black limousine and fleeing the premise]

The MLB has rescinded its ruling of the dodger’s forfeiting and will commence an awarding ceremony in Dodger's stadium next friday. 

Police are now searching for Mr.Bubblegum and asking anyone with any information to call this toll free number…

POLICE CAN’T STOP BUBBLEGUM FROM WINNING NBA FINALS

Lamar Bubblegum (mysterious clutch player for MLB and NFL) has stuck again. Last Night for the 2025 NBA finals with the Los Angeles Lakers VS. the Boston Celtics, Lamar Bubblegum emerged on the side of the down 3 points.

Bubblegum comes in at 5 '10  and 310 pounds of pure muscle; he can barely catch up with the rest of the team, let alone the opponents. 

But, miraculously he’s constantly scoring buckets and dunks jumping up at inhuman lengths for his height and weight. 

Police and a rapidly growing online fan base were waiting for him at last night’s game, filling the audience with special t-shirts, signs, and throwing bubblegum at the court when he appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. 

Police tried to confront Lamar, calling a time-out to arrest the mysterious player. But again, miraculously he evades capture, slipping in and out of the crowd while letting the Lakers get their previously unheard of win.

Lamar Bubblegum, Angel?

Hey, I've been watching clips on youtube of bubblegum in action. It’s obvious he’s magic, but the question stands is he divine or demonic?

• Sufferingsuckatash445

• Did you see his pitch game last week, bro’s a demon for sure.

• Barecultivation-21222

• He embarrassed the yankees with his magic bullshit, he’s a demon for sure.

• Everyone-decides-to-die

• He’s pretty hot, so angel.

• Cream-Strong

• Psalm 91:11: "He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways."... makes you think…

BUBBLEGUM FINALLY CAUGHT

Last night, after a daring police ambush during the Women's Baseball World Cup 2027. Police finally catch infamous and enigmatic sports infiltrator Lamar Bubblegum after a 2 ½ year chase. 

Mr.Bubblegum is currently held in Los Angeles police station for further questioning about his breaking and entering of former MLB commissioner Robert Dean Manfred Jr. in 2025.

President Donald Trump gave a press conference condoning Mr.Bubblegum’s actions as “Gay and Cringe” in a more recent move in culture war tactics to encourage “Pre-Woke Vocabularies” employed by the president and his inner cabinet.

June 4th, 2027

Detective Alvin Murdock steps into the tight concrete cell where the cryptid sits. His body is huge, 310 lbs marked on his weigh-in sheet when they brought him in a few hours ago. Pure muscle, his chest stretching out his Hawaiian shirt tightly bound to his pecks. Drool poured from his mouth like a mangy dog as his eyes went silvery like the blind. Detective Murdock stood in the door frame bewildered at the man handcuffed to the table before him, 

“This was the legend who evaded us for 2 fucking years” he thought to himself.

When the detective sat down Bubblegum broke out of his daze and stared deep into the detective’s eyes. Still with those cloudy silvery eyes, but paradoxically studying his face through the blindness.

“Do you know why we brought you Bubblegum?” the detective declared,

“This for the coke? I got a guy in congress who’ll bail me out playa i’m golden”. Bubblegum retorted, picking at his teeth and wiping the drool from his lips.

“What?” shocked at the sudden turn of the conversation, the detective was taken aback by the comment. But before he could even get a word out his partner opened the interrogation room door.

“Governor’s pardoned him, he’s good to go” his partner said as he entered. 

“Swag, I'll catch you boys at playoffs right?” he cheerfully said as he skipped past Murdock’s partner.

“Huh?, what the hell are you saying, they just let him off like that?”

‘“Yup.”

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH MYSTERIOUS SPORTS SUPER-LEAGEND LAMAR BUBBLEGUM.

Interviewer: “So Lamar, can I call you Lamar?”

Lamar Bubblegum: Yes.

Interviewer: “So, how do you do it, how do you manage to be so good at all sorts of games?”

Lamar Bubblegum: Luck.

Interviewer: “Is that right, how about the fans, you’ve struck a rabid fan base for the better half of 2 years ago. Have anything to say to them?”

Lamar Bubblegum: Ok. go to Latitude: 21.50411, Longitude: 84.98401, I got some gold and shit there.

Interviewer: “What?”

Lamar Bubblegum: Yeah, I stored some gold back in 1786, it’s still off the Indian coast.

Interviewer: “uh, h-how about the president’s comments about you’re sports outings”

Lamar Bubblegum: It’s pretty cool I guess.

Interviewer: “So how’s the sex life?”

Lamar Bubblegum: I don’t do that kind of thing sorry…